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Monday, May 21, 2012

In Which My Computer Dies, I Don't Join The Army, and I Touch Jared Leto

Hi. It's me. We have some things to catch up on. Firstly, my computer died and cut me off from the outside world for many months. But then my ex-stepmom (more real than a fairy godmother, twice as surreal, and definitely awesome) came back into my life after 17 years and spoiled me rotten with many gifts, including a new laptop. On September 29h, 2011 I got to live out a fantasy in which I got to touch Jared Leto- AND his brother, Shannon. Granted, it wasn't EXACTLY like all my fantasies (I'll spare you the details of THOSE little gems) but it was exciting and awesome nonetheless. I was a pretty big fan of 30 Seconds To Mars before I went to the concert, now I'm beyond obsessed. Except I'm too lazy (and too busy wildly flailing like a madwoman in my attempt to be a good mommy) to stalk any of the band members. But after meeting them each in person and REALLY listening to their music I have finally decided which one is my favorite. All of them. And their staff. And, for that matter, the fans (Echelon). Yep, I'm pretty much a hopeless case at this point. I paid $9 to watch a live show (four hours of old songs, new songs, palm trees, and Jared setting things on fire) and then promptly pre-ordered a rubber chicken. But enough about me, let's talk about... me. So there I was, all ready to run away and join the Army. I passed all the tests, jumped through some metaphorical flaming hoops, and was all ready to go. But I kept having this nagging thought. "What about my girls?" I would think to myself obsessively, often not sleeping at night and falling into a depression. "What about the missed birthdays? The missed milestones? What's gonna happen when I'm gone all the time? Will Anja forget me? Will Alexandra resent me? Will my husband remember the sunblock and the diaper bag and the favorite toys/blanket/colors/flavors? And then Alexandra started having nightmares. Waking up crying, talking about how I was gone forever and never coming back. She got clingy, sad, sullen. As a person interested in having a good career in spite of having no education and few skills, joining the Army seemed like a no-brainer because the the benefits and training are awesome. But as a mother, I realized I couldn't do it. Sometimes I still kick myself in the ass for not joining. I missed out on an amazing opportunity. But as a mom, I feel like I made the right choice for my particular situation. I would have been a great soldier, but my kids need me more than the Army does. The other day I told Alexandra, "I'm glad I didn't go to the Army. I like being here with you." She grabbed my hand and told me "I'm glad you didn't go to the Army too, because you would of got dead and I would never see you again and I would be sad forever." "Who said that would happen, sweetie?" Lots of people go into the Army and don't get dead!" "Nobody told me, mommy. I just knowed it." And since I believe that kids have a way of knowing things, I believe her. It also explains how the nightmares instantly stopped when I decided I wasn't going. But now I have to pick up the pieces of my shattered plans and attempt to build some other future. I really don't know what to do with myself, but I'll figure it out- one stumble at a time.

Anyway, books. Books are awesome. I need to get a Kindle. It's on my to-do list. I'll get back to you about books after I read one. I read the Hunger Games trilogy, so if you haven't read those yet, crawl out from under your rock and get those books. NOW! Do it!